


we've been down this road before (I'm so sorry)

by UnofficiallyA



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Drunk Driving, Established Relationship, F/F, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Motorcycles, Not Beta Read, Swearing, no happy ending, sorry - Freeform, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 11:20:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnofficiallyA/pseuds/UnofficiallyA
Summary: “I care that you got piss drunk alone and drove a motorcycle home. I care that you text to say you’ll be home and then you don’t come home. I wake up to a neighbour telling me that your bike was blocking their car because you parked it in the middle of the carpark. I care about you, and you tried to kill yourself.”





	we've been down this road before (I'm so sorry)

Alex smiled, her thoughts hazy and obscure as she struggled to unlock her apartment door. It took a few attempts to get the key into the lock, but eventually, she felt the click and pushed the door open with a clumsy step. Moving into the apartment, she shut the door, a dull thunk echoing through the quiet apartment. 

She tried to be quiet, knowing her two girls would be sleeping as she traversed the small open apartment. Why did they have so many things, Alex cursed silently, as she tripped over a table leg. Taking a moment to steady herself as everything swayed and twisted in front of her, she inhaled deeply. 

Moving at a snail pace, she checked each step before she put her foot down. All the way to the large couch they had, as Alex glanced at the closed bedroom door. Better not wake her girls, they would be mad. She flopped into the couch, alcohol-induced sleep claiming her instantly. 

 

A grinding noise woke her, her head starting a drumbeat as she tried to fall back asleep. The grinding paused for a moment and Alex thought she was free of the dreaded noise, but it started again after a few seconds. 

She groaned, tenderly opening her eyes to the blinding sunlight as she tried to force her eyes to adjust to the light. Rubbing her head, it wasn’t the worst hangover she had ever suffered, but it wasn’t pleasant. However painful her head, she was pleased with the lack of nausea as she moved to sit on the couch.

Standing and stretching, she took a deep breath in. The pungent smell of coffee focused her, as she placed the obnoxious noise she could hear. Their coffee grinder, as Alex insisted on grinding her own coffee, was working away. With a small smile, Alex moved around to the kitchen, intent on a cup for herself.  
"Morning Luce." Alex attempted to greet her with a kiss on the cheek but was rebuffed. She took it in stride, figuring she was annoyed at how late Alex had been "Can you please make me a cup?"

"No." A stony glare and folded arms greeted her. "Make your own cup."

“I’m sorry,” Alex held up her hands, “Whatever I did I’m sorry.”

“What time did you get home last night?” Lucy unfolded her arms, bracing against the kitchen bench. “We waited till 11.”

“I don’t know how late I was.” Alex’s hackled were raising, trying to keep any bite out of her tone as she prepared her coffee. “I’m sorry.”

“You usually wake us,” Lucy took a sip of the cup she was nursing, emphasis on the glare she threw at Alex as she grabbed her phone. Opening it with jerky movements, she quickly found what she wanted and passed the phone to Alex. “You always want a cuddle after a late day in the office.” 

"I didn't want to disturb you guys," Alex muttered, her arms folding themselves across her chest. “Sorry.”

“Did you drink last night?” Blinking at the turn, Alex tried to hide the rising panic in her chest. Lucy repeated herself after Alex was silent for a while.

“Yes.” Alex snapped, the tension in her visible as she sipped the black coffee, feeling it’s restorative caffeine course through her. “It was a long day and I wanted to unwind a little before I got home.

“So it was just one drink,” Lucy tapped her foot, irritation as she fought to keep herself as emotionless as possible. Alex felt guilt flood her veins. “Why do you look like you were on a weeklong bender, instead of one drink after a bad day at work.”

Alex couldn’t meet Lucy’s eyes, trying to fight away the fear that this was the last time. She hated putting them through this, hated being the bad guy, but knowing she was completely at fault.

“It was a few drinks,” Alex muttered, trying to remember last night, but the haze over her mind told her it was more than a few. “I didn’t think you’d care.”

“I don’t mind if you have a few drinks socially,” Lucy growled, taking a step forwards that Alex instinctually backed up from, feeling panic creep into her mind as Lucy’s voice rose. “I care that you got piss drunk alone and drove a motorcycle home. I care that you text to say you’ll be home and then you don’t come home. I wake up to a neighbour telling me that your bike was blocking their car because you parked it in the middle of the carpark. I care about you, and you tried to kill yourself.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” Alex murmured, trailing off as she took in the furious look sent her way. She started fiddling with her fingers as she studied the wall in front of her. 

“Not trying to. But that’s what happens when you ride drunk,” Lucy fumed, pacing around the island and wearing a path as she spoke. “You lose control and you die, someone else dies, someone is paralyzed for life. If it isn’t you, it’s someone else. Why would you do that? You are supposed to be a genius.”

Alex noted Maggie’s presence as she left the bedroom, woken by the yelling. She ignored them, instead choosing to get her own coffee, as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She greeted Lucy with a kiss on the cheek, and Alex watched as Lucy softened for a moment. 

“Morning Mags.” Alex gave a small smile, feeling her heart twist as she was barely given a second look. She deserved it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting. Lucy refocused on her, and Alex felt herself shrinking back further, shame and fear shooting to her head. 

“Sorry.” Barely audible, and shaky, as Alex tried to keep her emotions in check, desperate to keep the panic out of her voice. Her headache background noise as her thoughts flew faster and faster. “I didn’t think.”

She fucked up, she knew it and she deserved anything Lucy gave her. Lucy would be right to leave, to walk out the door, and not look back. Alex knew this, she knew what she did was a bad thing, and she was glad no-one was hurt. She felt herself losing to the panic, but Lucy was preparing for another round, so Alex forced herself to focus.

“That’s the problem, you never think.” Lucy threw her arms up, rough movements showing her true anger as her voice remained steady, her lawyer persona showing. “You don’t think before you have that drink, or before you run into gunfire, or jumping in front of your bulletproof sister. You don’t think to ask for help, just barrel in headfirst. When you jumped off the building. What if Kara had been seconds later? What if she didn’t hear you? You would be dead.”

“She would catch me,” Alex muttered, defending Kara was second nature and she couldn’t stop the reflex. “She always does.”

“No, you always throw yourself in front of her.” Lucy started pacing again. “You don’t care if you live or die, and you certainly don’t think if it would affect us.”

“Luce,” Maggie tried to interject, watching as Alex shrunk smaller again, but Lucy waved her off.

“You don’t understand that if you die, it would hurt us.” Lucy’s voice, full of emotions as she spoke now, tore Alex in half. “We would have to sit in a funeral with Kara, consoling her because she was too far away to catch you, or you crashed drunk. Imagine what that would look like? That was what I saw last night, I saw all of us standing around a grave.” 

Lucy broke off, her voice breaking as she stopped. Maggie moved closer but she just held up a hand. 

“I can’t do it. I can’t be around while you dance and test death.” A note of finality in her voice as she stalked into the bedroom, emerging with a coat and Alex blinked as the door slammed. 

Lucy left. She just walked out the door. A pain ripped through Alex, her heart and stomach both twisting in pain as she processed. Lucy had said she couldn’t be around her anymore, and then she had left. 

Alex saw Maggie follow Lucy, muttering something about calming down. All Alex heard was static, the coffee suddenly a brick in her hands. She saw them leaving, walking out of her life like it was nothing and suddenly she couldn’t breathe.

Fire in her lungs, water on her face, pain shredding her as she blindly put the cup down. Stumbling, her vision blurred with tears as she made her way to the bathroom, snatching a blanket from the bed as she passed it. 

Alex tried to focus on breathing once she was settled in the bathtub, a blanket wrapped firmly around her. She lay on the hard surface, her legs pressed into her chest and the blanket weighing her down. The pressure helped, but she couldn’t breathe. 

Tears streaming as she gasped, trying to pull air into her lungs her mind running on repeat. Lucy gone, stupid mistake, asshole, she deserved it. Her eyes closed and her ears ringing she was defenceless. A voice cut into the fog across her mind.

“Alex, sweetheart, can you hear me?” Soft and close, Alex let herself fall into the soft cadence. “I need you to breathe with me.”

In. Out. Simple, she could follow that. Gradually her breathing slowed and she felt herself come back to herself, the attack passing but the fear staying. 

Tears still rolling down her face as she tried to look at the face that was watching her. It took her another minute to stop sobbing, but she finally was able to see it was Maggie, and that she had come back. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex threw herself at Maggie, desperately needing to feel her girlfriend. Arms wrapped around her and she felt a sliver of pain slip away as the warmth enveloped her. Taking a few deep breaths of the coconut and something distinctly Maggie. 

When it became clear that Alex was letting go, tears slipping onto Maggie's sleepshirt in a rapidly growing spot, Maggie gently shifted them off the floor. Alex moved slowly, keeping as much in contact as she tried to reassure herself that everything would be okay. 

Lucy would come back, they would talk, and it would be hard but this wouldn’t be the end of them. She hoped. Unable to stop the tears, she curled into Maggie on the couch endlessly murmuring her apologies in a chant.

Alex felt Maggie shift slightly after a while, and she lifted her head from the crook of her neck. The tears had stopped a few minutes ago and Alex was continuing to draw from Maggie, the warmth and safety that her arms gave. 

“What’s going on in your head?” Maggie spoke softly, and Alex dropped her eyes, fear and shame shooting through her. “You don’t have to talk now, just let me know you are okay.”

Alex took a deep breath, before speaking, her voice broken as she desperately tried to keep her emotions in check. “I’m afraid you’ll leave, both of you. I deserve it, I did a horrible thing, I’m just afraid this will be the last chance Lucy gives me.”

“She just walked out,” Alex sobbed, curling in on herself, pulling back from Maggie. “Like it was nothing.” 

Maggie didn’t say anything, pulling Alex into her chest, giving as much comfort as she could to the tremoring girl. “I can’t promise you it’s not the last chance, but, I know she’ll be back in a few hours. We are at least going to talk before any decisions are made, okay?” 

Alex nodded, desperately trying to stop the flow of tears, but unable, her emotions to frayed. 

“What do you need right now?” Maggie asked, after an hour or so had past, as Alex pulled back. 

“The blanket?” Alex curled into herself as Maggie nodded and stood. “Maybe some water as well. Thank you.” 

A few moments and Maggie drops the blanket on her lap, holding the water as Alex wraps herself into the thick material. She takes the water with a thankful look and downs the glass quickly. 

“Thank you.” 

“No problem.” As Maggie speaks, the door opens with a click. Lucy storming into the open living room. Slowing when she notices the state of the two sitting on the couch, Alex watches as Maggie stands and moves to her, talking in low tones. Alex focused on the plant in the corner as her girlfriends talk, keeping those thoughts at the back of her mind. 

“Alex,” Lucy began, sitting on the edge of the couch, tension obvious as Alex watches her, waiting. “I want you to know I still love you, and we will talk about this. I just need a little time, to process and understand how I feel, okay?” 

At Alex’s nod, she lets a little of the tension drop. Alex glances at Maggie before speaking “If you want I can leave, go to Kara’s or something. Stay there until you decide.”

“No, no.” Lucy shakes her head with a small smile. “I would like to talk to Maggie alone, but I don’t want you driving right now, so we are going for a walk. Is that okay?”

Alex nodded, reassuring Maggie as she looked apprehensively between them. After a few more reassurances they walked out the door, shutting it with a soft click. 

After a few moments staring at the door absently, her mind running and replaying things. Splicing and working to bring her horrible images, ones that brought fear into her heart. A few minutes of stewing and she pushed all her emotions aside. 

On autopilot she threw a bag together, just in case they asked her to leave. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she lost relationships from her drinking, and it probably wouldn’t be the last time. A few changes of clothes, toothbrush, essentials only. She couldn’t help but grab the small framed photo she had of them, wanting something in case the worst happened. 

Slipping it under the bed, she absently wandered into the kitchen looking for something to keep her occupied while she waited. Glancing at the scotch sitting in the fridge, she slammed the door shut and moved back to the couch, suddenly just wanting to curl up and sleep. 

Wrapping herself in the blanket, she laid down, feeling a sudden exhaustion take her bones. Asleep in a moment she was plagued by nightmares so real she woke herself by falling onto the floor. 

The empty apartment haunting her as she sat up, trying to shake the fear off her as she wondered how long she had been asleep. The sun was high in the sky and the air warm with an afternoon heat. 

She moved to the bedroom, closing all the windows as she curled under the rugs, letting a sadness take her. Waking up the empty apartment was never good for her mental health, but after what had gone down it was amplified and she cried. 

She cried for the mistakes, for the bad choices she had made. She let herself feel, to try to process what she knew was coming. The end of the best thing that had ever come into her life. 

Alex heard the door open, and rubbed at her eyes, she stemmed the tears. Flipping the pillow to hide the tear stain she made a rash decision. Dropping all tensions she curled under the rugs and evened her breathing, deep breaths as she feigned sleep. It was a cowards ploy, but she needed more time. She wasn’t prepared to lose the loves of her life, she just needed a little more time. She drifted into a dreamless sleep of nothing but darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. I'm dealing with shit so take this angst. I'm not writing anymore, it's complete to me so sorry for the open ending. If you need to talk, I'll be here, or on [Tumblr](https://mr-alex-unofficially.tumblr.com/)  
> Moving out of home is a bitch so I'm sorry for not updating my WIP's, I'm working on it though... sorry. also the title is from Demi Lovato - Sober. Felt right, you know.


End file.
